Hidden Sexual Normativity

So there is a situation I’ve ran in to quite a few times that I find rather ironic, and I noticed it just recently from some of the bullies/trolls on tumblr. Every once and awhile I’ll hear someone complain about asexuality (or maybe demi-sexuality) by saying that it’s inherently elitist or slut-shaming. The people I hear this from are usually liberal minded people who pride themselves on fighting sexual normativity- that is, they pride themselves on fighting stereotypical Christian moral notions about sex.

Here’s the problem with this: I think the fact they voice this object may show that they haven’t overcome internalized moral notions about sex. Because first off, with every asexual (or demi- or grey-) person I know, it’s pretty obvious they are not making a moral judgment. Asexuality (and demi- and grey-) are statements of preference. To identify as asexual is no different than saying “I don’t like eating chocolate”, in that it is merely stating one’s qualitative experiences/ preferences. When someone says they don’t like chocolate, it is rarely taken to be a statement saying “and I am going to shame you for liking it!”. In the case of asexuality, however, people seem to take it that way fairly often.

Anyways, the reason for this, I think, is because people haven’t fully rejected the social norms regarding sex. Often times these people have rejected the idea that sex is morally bad- which is progress. But they have failed to reject the idea that sex is a moral issue. Instead, they still cling to the idea that one’s preferences regarding sex directly represent one’s moral character (they don’t), and that is reflected in how they react to asexuality. See, when they meet an asexual (or demi- or grey-) person, they immediately assume that their preferences regarding sex are a moral statement, even when the person doesn’t say that.

So, my point is, if you think asexuals are judging you by not having sex, that may just be because you still view sex through a moralized lens. Obviously I don’t expect this to apply to everyone with that mentality, but I at least get this impression on occasion.

(Small Aside follows, and yay I figured out how to add a “read more” button)

Trigger Warning

(As an aside, note the binary being created here: Either you have lots of sex or you *must* be a slut shaming conservative Christian. So apparently the only way to have liberal sexual values and be asexual is to submit to lots of sex that you don’t want. Oh, hey, fancy that- it’s rape culture showing up in liberal circles)